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Backfire: Biker Jokes

Joke of the Month: Here’s one from Cruiser Customizing member Greg Porter, a Shadow rider: A biker decides to go for a ride when he finds that the zipper on his leather jacket is broken. No bother, rather than scrub the ride, he just turns the jacket around and slips his arms through. Well, after a glorious few hours, he begins to get a bit road weary, so he pulls the bike over and lies down under a billboard. While sleeping, his bike’s kickstand slowly sinks into the soft earth and falls over. Passersby mistake this for a crash scene, so they dial 911 for the sleeping bro’. First an ambulance arrives, and then a few minutes later a State Trooper pulls up on his Harley. The trooper whips out his pad and pen and demands of the medic, “Is he all right?” The flabbergasted medic replies, “Well, he was fine until we turned his head in the right direction!”

More humor in a V-twin: A seasoned old cruiser gets pulled over for doing 66 mph in a 65. The hard-nosed rookie officer demands of the biker “Let me see your license. You were going one mile per hour over the speed limit.” The biker replies, well I can show you the license of the guy whose bike I just stole, it’s in the saddle bag.” “Wh-a-a-a-a-t?” the rookie cop demands, “You stole the bike?” “Sure did,” the biker replies, “I’ve got his license next to the gun I shot the owner with. May I get it for you, Officer?” Now the rookie was really freaked. He takes two steps backwards, and calls for back-up. Hearing the details over the radio, the Captain himself responds to the call. When the Captain arrives, he demands to see the license and regi, and the biker quickly and politely complies. Flabbergasted, the Captain demands, “Why, the junior officer here said that you just stole this bike and that you shot its owner.” “Right” the cruiser responds coolly, “and he probably told you that I was speeding, too!

And those well-known quotes about motorcycles through history?  Suzuki Volusia rider Ed Thompson reminds us that motorcycles were the true rides of choice in Biblical times. Just see this quote concerning King David: “The roar of his Triumph was heard throughout Israel!”

The last word, comes to us from my old buddy Jeff Medved. Jeff is the nephew of that big Russian dude in the old black and white film footage you see on TV getting shot with a cannon ball in his gut. Jeff, for sending this pic you are the wind beneath our wings, plus a few pounds of air pressure in the tires!



Don’t need no milk bottle,
When my hand’s on the throttle;
Perched on my throne,
I’m Bad to the Bone!


Thanks, Cruisers, for your contributions to Newsletter # 70. Keep those letters coming. Don’t forget the March Madness Sales Event below. Ride well and keep the shiny side (including all those accessories from Cruiser Customizing like pipes, windshield, and other personalizations) up.

Miles Davis, (Pavandas)
Editor, Cruiser Customizing News

send us your ideas

Custom Spirit by Paul Schmidt


   
   
  Schmidt’s Spirit is a spirited custom: Paul’s sumptuous street rod gets back to basics and displays just how far creativity can go with a Honda Spirit.
 
 
   
  Front, back or side, Paul’s ride reveals tasteful customization—shared passion and individual style—from every angle.
 
 
Move over Orange County Choppers, at Cruiser Customizing we’ve started to wonder if member Paul Schmidt is going to be the next Discovery Channel mega-star. Readers might agree with us once they notice what Paul has done with his humble Honda Spirit 750. Paul was a customizing enthusiast right into the early 1970’s, but then, well, marriage happened and all that follows. (Why, oh why, is it that the bikes get sacrificed first right after the knot is tied? Look, New Husbands, those golf clubs and tennis rackets should be much higher on your sacrificial list than your most prized possession, your beloved motorcycles!)

Anyway motorcycles being as they are part and parcel of a rider’s ingrained psyche, they can never be completely forgotten, nor can a true love of biking ever entirely go away. In time, Paul and his wife began attending the Bikes and Blues Festival in Fayetteville, Arkansas. By this association, Paul’s wife became a motorcycle enthusiast and now she rides a Shadow ACE. So Paul, who has suffered from M.D. (Motorcycle Deprivation) long enough, began hankering for something really different. Displaying some hard-core humility, Paul wrote to us that he and his wife “did a few things to the Honda Spirit 750 to make it ours”. Yeah right. In our opinion Paul’s redesigned Japanese street rod cruiser (we’re calling it Schmidt’s Spirit), is a rolling work of art fit for the Guggenheim Motorcycle Club, something Vincent Van Gogh might ride if he was throttling in the here and now. Paul’s “Violet Van Go” has a spring solo seat, a set of loud 2-inch custom pipes, l-o-o-o-n-g four-inch extensions on the forks, forward pegs and (would you believe…) a hard tail kit, as well as a whole bunch of other subtle changes. (Can you spot ‘em in the photos, Cruisers?)

Each naysayer who once told Paul that he was a total nutcase for his re-engineering of a perfectly good Honda is now whistling another tune from the other side of his mouth. Now, whenever and wherever Paul drops a kickstand, people gawk at his labor of love, and all agree that Schmidt’s Spirit is one rad ride. Very few gooseneckers can even figure out what on earth this sexy beast is. Paul, your next cruise should be to Washington DC, to the patent office, before, well…you know the story!

Is Paul crazy, or is he just an unwired creative genius? Take a look at his Violet Vixen and form your own opinion. We at Cruiser Customizing think that there’s only one vote here for Paul’s Mega-Honda, and that is “Best in Show.” Paul’s message to all his Cruiser Customizing members is “Thanks for looking!”

Paul Schmidt, aka "okshadow"


Miles Davis, (Pavandas)
Editor, Cruiser Customizing News
send us your ideas
 

Scooter's Story

             

   
   
  Scooter’s Cruiser, a VStar 650 Classic.  Her wish list at Cruiser Customizing is growing…
 
 
   
  Scooter with her scoot, at one of the many events she attended in 2005.
 
 


I am a forty-five year old Indiana grandmother named “Scooter”, and last year I decided that my turn had come to have a motorcycle of my own. My husband of seven years, who now rides an ’05 Vulcan 1500, has been in the saddle for some two decades now. Back in February of 2005, I let him know my feelings about getting my own bike. My husband’s response? “OK, you can go ahead and get a bike as long as you can pass the permit test.” Of course, he was thinking that I would never pass it. Wrong!

I easily passed the test and afterwards spoke with some of my rider girl friends about which bike to buy. Soon I chose a 2005 Yamaha VStar 650 Classic, a great all-around ride and a fine starter bike for women (or guys), too. Except for a set of Baron’s risers, I haven’t started to customize the VStar yet, but my wish list at Cruiser Customizing is growing…Over the past year I’ve become a much more experienced motorcyclist, going from obtaining a beginner’s permit, to buying a bike, to passing the ABATE course in June. (Incidentally, I highly recommend the ABATE course to all riders—beginners and experienced alike.) I suppose that you can guess what happened next; my husband went out and passed his permit and then obtained his license. Right—the same guy who thought that I could never pass the permit test finally obtained his own endorsement. Better late than never!

The Yamaha was love at first ride: I loved it from the very first time I sat on it. I look back and remember how I used to ride circles in the school parking lot, working myself up to feeling comfortable on the roads. I meet lots of great people on my bike, through the bike shows, at the biker charity events, on poker runs or just hanging out. I’ve made a whole new circle of friends. Today there is a new attitude towards bikers: you see a lot more lady riders than you did ten or even five years ago. I still ride behind my husband from time to time. After all, it was my husband who taught me to love bikes and I’m thankful to him for that. Bikes seem to run in our family; when our three-year-old grandson Dustin visits, he makes one of us put him on the bike.

In the past year I’ve put around 10,000 miles on my bike and I can’t wait to see how many miles I’ll put on the bike in ’06. We’ve started a group of riders called the Crazy 8’s Motorcycle Club (www.crazy8smc.com), which consists of eleven women and nine men, and we plan to have a ride to benefit United Cerebral Palsy of Indiana. We will also be having our Rebel Ride to Fairmount, Indiana, home of James Dean. We’ve met James’ cousin Marcus Winslow who still lives in Fairmount, and we’ll be visiting James’ grave site there.

It’s so much fun to be out there with the sun on my back and the wind in my face. Over the winter I have had serious PMS (Parked Motorcycle Syndrome), but when the mercury hits fifty degrees you’ll see me out there once again riding. I love being on the bike, being on the road with my husband and our friends, riding and enjoying life. Now when my girl friends see me riding my own bike, they want one, too. Spring is just around the corner. Enjoy life to the fullest, Cruisers and, when you see another biker, be sure to wave.

Hugs,
Scooter "scootergirl"

Miles Davis, (Pavandas)
Editor, Cruiser Customizing News          

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Throttle Therapy

Throttle Therapy

A couple of issues ago we explored how the demands of motorcycling make riding a healthy alternative to cars. Did you know that motorcycling is also a fine mental exercise that sharpens a number of mental functions including the intelligence, physical co-ordination and overall alertness? At least this is the opinion of San Francisco-based licensed psycho-therapist Roger Lake, as well as any number of riders. You know the old saying, “You never see a motorcycle outside a shrink’s office, unless it belongs to the shrink.” Roger has been a rider for thirty years now, and he swears that using his two wheels to commute to work keeps him mentally alert and ready to deal with the many problems his clients need to discuss with him.

In an interview for Cruiser Customizing News with yours truly, Roger said this of motorcycling, “Motorcycling keeps you awake, alive and attentive because it is a demanding type of sport. Except that in motorcycling the only team member is the one holding the handlebars. The thrill of the ride releases to the brain all sorts of chemicals that keep the rider healthy; it’s an adrenaline rush that raises the functions of the mind to the next level. For group riders, it provides a strong bonding experience. Then, if there is any sort of near-encounter, the motorcyclist benefits from his own introspection because he must demand of himself, ‘What is my part in this?’

“Motorcycling clearly endows the rider with a sense of awe, even to the point of a spiritually-based awareness regarding the fragility of life, which is a healthy perspective. Riding demands an awareness that makes the rider live his life to the fullest simply because he knows that any moment could be his last. This sense of inner vision shared by riders is a very healthy, yet spiritual, point of view. Personally, I’m no different from any other rider. We all love our motorcycles.”

And how true it is! The other day while riding down Columbus Ave. in the right lane, I moved my head left to check the left lane of traffic. A pickup truck driver beside me on my left noticed my head movement and immediately braked to let me move over in front of him. Usually it takes turn signals, frantic arm movements and even grimaces to get cell-phone chatting drivers to notice a motorcyclist. So instead of taking the spot in front of the truck, I throttled down to his passenger side window, which was open. “Hey, man, do you ride?” I called in to his truck. “Sure do, bro’. Ride on.” He responded, flashing a V sign. Here was a fine example of the sort of motorcyclist’s alertness that psycho-analyst Roger Lake discusses above. It is an alertness that carries into other aspects of the motorcyclist’s life, from driving a car or truck, for example, to all other daily affairs. This is the quality that separates riders from—well, excuse the expression—civilians.

A friend of mine, a skilled rider from an early age, recalls that when he took his automobile driving license examination for the first time, the tester said to him, “I see that you ride a motorcycle.” “How did you know?” My friend asked, dumbfounded. “Because you are alert,” the tester responded. “I always know when I test a motorcyclist because they see the whole picture in front of them.”

If you have any feedback on your feelings of Throttle Therapy, Cruisers, please e-mail us with your thoughts and ideas. We want to hear your opinions.


Miles Davis, (Pavandas)
Editor, Cruiser Customizing News

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East is East

Greetings Cruisers,

             
    This is a sign from Delhi.

             
   One day Anuji loaned me his Royal Enfield custom with 90,000 kilometers on the clock. That was the day the carburetor decided to self-eject. An impromptu team of passersby tried to rectify the situation, but no avail. There were internal problems in the one-lung causing excessive pressure to blow off the carb.

             
   India’s roads are dangerous and account for 6% of all the motor vehicle accidents in the world. This truck driver survived unharmed but shaken. When we came upon him, we offered him our food which he gladly accepted.

             
   One day south of Nagpur we encountered a caravan of traveling Gypsies. Originally from Rajasthan, these Indian Gypsy clans are the source of all Gypsy tribes throughout the world.

             
   Hanging with the police force at Sleemanabad, named for Col Sleeman who wiped out the murderous thuggee cult. On our right (outside the lens) is the tree where Col. Sleeman hanged over five hundred rogues.

             
   At a festival of indigenous tribal dances, descendants of Africans living on India's West coast dragged me on stage to accompany them in a celebration of peacock dancing, motorcycle boots and all.

             
   Before we picked up the bikes, I stopped with the family at the beautiful Taj Mahal. Said to have been once a great Hindu temple to Lord Shiva on the banks of the Yamuna River, invaders converted it into a place of burial for King Shahjahan’s wife, Mumtaj.


I’m back from an awesome moto-adventure through Central India and it’s good to be in touch with all of you once again. I wish that I could have taken all of you with me. Just a small riding party of 100,000 of our best members at CruiserCustomizing.com cruising from the Himalayas to the Indian Ocean!

Several Cruisers have asked me about riding India, so here’s a snapshot. India’s deep heartland holds some of the remotest places on earth, home to primitive tribesmen who will gladly send a spear through any outsider who strays into their territory. My ride skirted such tribal areas, but even Indians are not allowed to penetrate regions reserved for the uncivilized. Anuji, an Indian rider I spent a few days touring with, told me of his strange experience of spotting such a prehistoric tribeswoman, who had strayed onto the road for some reason of her own. Such people are almost never encountered by the outside world.

I took along with me one American riding companion, a Harley rider named Fred who had read my book Motorcycle Yoga, and who sort of dared me to include him the next time I duplicate the journey outlined in Motorcycle Yoga. Indian traffic is legendary for its dangers and her roads are considered the world’s deadliest. We saw our share of collisions, dozens of them, but wisdom prevailed and we managed to stay out of harm’s way. On our slow three week drift into an ancient past we covered only around a hundred miles per day slowing down to capture the old world’s sense of timelessness, so different from our alarm clock society of the West.

Caravans of camel-mounted Rajasthani gypsies passed us by as we meandered through the forested Vindhya Hills. We stopped to feed monkeys as we drove dirt paths through the Pench jungles where tigers and wild buffalo roam free. We ate fresh raw vegetables and drank just-squeezed sugar cane juice in remote agricultural areas, ending up at a 500 year-old castle of a tribal chieftan. We throttled down to crawling speed in villages where antelope and deer wander the nearby fields like semi-tamed pets. We meditated in temples where worship has continued for thousands of years, crawled into caves where austere yogis live underground and swam in sacred rivers where quiet sages spend all day contemplating the river of life. Once in the middle of nowhere, we met two Italian nuns drawn there by their faith. We explored Kokha, the ancient village of the murderous thuggee cult, and saw the tree where the British officer Colonel William Sleeman hanged over five hundred of them. The thuggee ringleaders captured by Sleeman received a more arduous punishment than mere hanging; Col. Sleeman had their heads crushed like melons underneath the foot of an elephant. (For more on the thuggees, the origin of the English word thug, rent the 1990’s Pierce Brosnan flick, The Deceivers.) 

In one village we found ourselves as guests at the mansion of Ramesh Gupta, the leader of a political rally and who was running for office. During the campaign speeches, the opposition party was seen bribing voters with bottles of country whiskey. This opposition leader would give one bottle to all voters who agreed to vote for him, and two bottles to those who were expected to vote against him. Why? Because those who drank two bottles would likely be too hung over to cast any sort of ballot the next day. Our host’s son had the men who were passing out the free booze all arrested and their truckloads of bad spirits were confiscated. Later, at a fair of tribal dancers, the young men doing a peacock dance stopped their show to drag me on stage with them. I danced in my motorcycle boots and riding vest, and a photo of the event appeared in the next day’s local newspaper. These peacock dancers are descendants of Africans who had settled in India over five centuries ago, but who still cling to their customs.

One thing about motorcycles is clear; those two wheels we love generate a language that is universal to riders all over the world. When those wide chrome handlebars are under your control and your shifting is smooth, there is no border, no measurement of years, and no difference in skin color. What you do have is the earth rotating beneath your wheels, and the sun or moon illuminating your path from above. You’ve got wind rushing by carrying with it the intoxicating scent of the woodlands, and the friendly waves of children along the roadway. For Indian riders, just as it is for us, bikes are The Great Equalizers, all riders are brothers and sisters and the ride is the religion with the magic handiwork of God and Nature seen on all sides.

My Indian riding buddy, Sadar Anukarana Singh, is well-known among the sub-continent’s tightly-knit society of cruising riders. Anuji, as he is known, disclosed to us many of his favorite rides, his secret roadways and his sacred shrines. When my Royal Enfield Bullet, which I keep stored in India, needed a wash, tune-up, oil change, new battery, tube, rearview mirrors and a few new parts, Anuji obtained a loaner Bullet for me so that I could continue exploring the side roads of a sub-continent alongside him, never to suffer any downtime or separation from The Way. It’s good to know that the brotherhood of the biker stretches beyond all boundaries. So much so that CruiserCustomizing is now shipping parts to India!

For those of you who would like to know about riding India, you can order my book Motorcycle Yoga: Meditative Rides Through India from CruiserCustomizing. Those of you who might like to cruise the Indian sub-continent with me on a Royal Enfield 500cc single can e-mail me at pavandas@sbcglobal.net with your questions. Let’s ride.

Miles Davis, (Pavandas)
Editor, Cruiser Customizing News

Read CruiserCustomizing Newsletter #68


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