Cruiser
Customizing part time staffer Wilhelm “Meatgrinder” Hamburger spotted an unusual
motorcycle parked at a nondescript motel along a Bay Area backroad last week.
Thinking that the design of the ride roughly resembled his own VTX 1800C, he
throttled down to the parking lot to have a closer look. Meatgrinder notes,
“There it sat between an old Volkswagen microbus painted with flowers and an
orange Chevy El Camino with a lawnmower and beer can empties in the back. The
bike was camouflaged, in fact it was painted camouflage, so that’s a
no-brainer. Other than a few mysterious factory designations spray painted on
the fender, the brute was shorn of any and all insignias. The finned V-twin
motor was massive, the meaty rear tire was as big as a pick-up’s and it had a
strange set of controls, gauges and on-board computers that I could not fathom.
This bike was out of the Twilight Zone, a gorgeous two-wheeled Hummer and all I
could think was ‘Man! Do I want to ride this!’
“Anyway, I
heard loud music coming from a nearby room. It was Tom Petty on the CD singing
‘Free Falling”, so I figured that was the right door to bang on. Was I surprised
when none other than the legendary L. A. bike tester-guru Umberto ‘Crazy Horse’ de la Raza poked out his head.
Apparently Umbie, as he is known among the inner circles, was in a mood to talk
since he had been kickin’ back sudso, so I figured it was a good time to prime
him for facts. Umbie mumbled that he had just ridden the beast up the I-5 from
La La Land, and was on his way to test the bike in the mountains and valleys of
the Gold Country Sierra. He said, the bike, code-named ‘Armageddon’ is a new
model from across the puddle that will be likely be released this summer as a
2006 ½ model. Umbie mentioned that this soon-to-enter-production Armageddon
sports a 2600cc V-twin mill that is actually lighter than the 1300 VTX
two-banger due to new developments in alloy aluminum. There are three
triple-point spark plugs per cylinder head in order to assure full
across-the-chamber combustion, with an highly oversquare piston ratio that gives
the exhaust note a resonance similar to a middle East battlefield. To meet
legal requirements, the factory has had to regulate the brake horsepower down to
180, but the rev limiters can easily be chucked and exchanged for a chip that’ll
propel Armageddon’s output to the 210+ hp range. Top speed is just shy of 200
mph, and it encounters no speed wobble due to a reverse gyroscopic onboard lean
sensor.
“Umbie let out that the bike’s coolest
asset is its electronic anti-wheely messaging system that keeps the front
wheel exactly five inches above the asphalt during spirited acceleration, no
matter how throttle-happy the rider. The rear wheel was chrome-spoked and
sported an all-black 330 rear tire that has a new patented tread design. This
so-called “Juggernaut tread” keeps the bike grounded and secure in almost any
handling situation, making the Armageddon a cruiser that sport riders can use
for a day of knee scraping at the track. There is even a full surround air bag
deployment system which literally keeps the rider and passengers off the
ground in case of a spill, holding them aloft like a stationary parachute. Not
just a cruiser and sport bike in one, it is also a family vehicle that can
legally accommodate up to two passengers in the USA (due to its length), or three in most European countries. This added passenger
system has been implemented via an ingenious set of extra gel seats hidden in
the titanium rear fender. Thus the bike is the first to be awarded the coveted
‘Family Sport Cruiser’ designation, and may be dubbed the FSC
1.
“Umberto gave
me a guilty look like he had spilled too many beans about this magnificent
motorcycle, and then swore me to secrecy, noting that ‘he does have a long
record and is not afraid of anybody.’ He was talking so much, I hated to
interrupt him, so I blurted out, ‘Umbie, who is manufacturing this monster?’
Just then a curvaceous blonde holding a tall bottle of California merlot ambled
up and Umbie excused himself with the words, Sorry, Dude, the cleaning lady’s
here.’ Then he disappeared into the room and closed the
curtains.”
Meatgrinder said that he got some film
shots of the beast after Umbie disappeared, and he’ll make these photos
available at www.CruiserCustomizing.com in a couple of days. He also mentioned
that he heard there will be a new category of racing implemented at the major
league race circuits for the Family Sport Cruiser class of beast and that we
should keep our eyes peeled for stunning reviews of its overall design in the
next issues of the major national bike rags. Meatgrinder even challenged Umbie
to race the Armageddon FSC 1 against his VTX on the Speedvision show Pinks.
Umbie scowled and said, “Bike testing is my sacred duty, Man. This babe is not
mine to play with. But I’ll race you any day you want to lose your wheels to
my personal ride.”
About all of this, there’ll be more to
follow, no doubt, as things develop…
